In here, out there...
What the heck?
A reflection/*reflection*...
Let's start *with in here".
Several years ago (well, 6), I bought a new home (well, old), with the intent of uniting my long-separated family and maybe renovating it (the mid-century home, that is) and eventually selling it toward retirement. But I'm the one who wound up needing renovation. Essentially, my whole family died, close together, eight loved ones in all, one after another, never getting to reunite or even see the house. It had been years since we'd been together, living across the globe from one another! Decades. Totally depleted (meaning me), renovation was out, too.
Suddenly, there was only me, in a huge house and property I could no longer afford to handle alone, and a horrific hand injury oppressing me further.
My dream was sabotaged, though I still had my writing. But I was focused on helping to redirect society at large, distressed by all the school and other mass shootings and similar, watching the world kinda losing its mind. "Reality" TV, unscripted, was teaching countless millions to emulate selfish, temper tantrum narcissism where impulsive "terrible twos" acting out, competing for camera attention, became the only "authority" millions felt they needed to emulate and justify the same for themselves.
Society has been (d)evolving into everyone performing to an empty (in every analogy) "audience".
So I was trying to make the point that if one's very first immediate impulse is more an "I'll get them before they get me" kind of demonstration, and millions are collectively sharing those feelings of "threat," what was popping out of that were horrific attacks upon one another, en masse.
I was hoping to provide some insight with hope of eliciting *change.* What I got was misinterpreted and sent away.
With so much loss in my life already, the loss of even yet another loved one was too much to bear, so I needed to take a break. Problem is, I lost myself in the process.
Truth isn't truth only when it's comfortable and/or convenient. One science. One world. Shared by all/Awe. Ouch! Sometimes Love is totally there but overlooked.
Whatever the case, the message I was receiving was that I had gone too far and wasn't needed anymore. Convention was fine without the likes of me. Or...was it?
With so much going on over here, I decided to give myself some time for...me.
My physics insights had run into my social life, and I found myself all alone again...naturally. Everywhere. Painful to accept, I needed to get used to being all alone.
Who was I, when I was all alone? It wasn't a nice place to be. I've always had a war going on within myself. Being me, my beautiful superConscious me from childhood, created an unintentional divide. A very lonely, painful distance, where, while everyone else began a race at START, I was already well around the track, and when the race began, I was prolifically speeding farther and faster than my fellow racers could keep/catch up. But there was never any reward. Only loneliness, being me. And I've spent my entire life holding myself back, all the while starving to know where all my naturally prolific me could take me, if only I just "went for it"!
Again and again, the resolution has been...loneliness. Beautiful insight, with quite a price.
Soooo, I disappeared. Okay, okay...went away. And I pouted, and isolated. Pouted some more, isolated some more. And pondered. And I really, really, really missed me!
So I sulked, and isolated. Sulked some more... Isolated *even* more.. You know the drill. Within, without. Toldja I was "prolific." I covered all my bases. Now all my *energy* was trapped! I'm thorough if not consistent.
Then, last fall the universe, in all its *balancing act,* brought a psychologist** into my life, young enough to be my son, wise enough to get on the other side of me and give me a good swift "whack-a-mole" kick into reality. The real reality. My reality! Withinxwithout, I was running away from home! That wasn't the "prolific" I was going for. I was running out of running away space. It was time to stop running. It was time to accept me for me. So what if I'm not loved there. It doesn't mean anything if I don't first love myself.
The distance is always gonna be there. The divide is the only way to follow my own rainbow.
In the Pacific islands, the rainbows go all the way around, full circle. There is no end. Just *process.* The proverbial pot of gold is the nirvana recognition of that reality.
Life is a process, and if I'm not processing me, what on earth am I doing?
We teach people how to treat us, and I was teaching people how to send me away. Again.
"Get rid of the toxins, to make room for the healthy people you need!", my beloved professor admonished me one day. You remember her by now:
"Just who do you think you are?!
"You do NOT have the right to enable people NOT to grow!
"You have a responsibility to elicit *change* in this world!"
Yeah, that one! Omg, I loved her! She was instilling in me the permission I felt I needed to suggest folks *higher*!
Have I been farther and faster around the track because I've been running more and more toward me? Or, away from them? I still struggle from time to time. Miss my beloved professor!
We teach people how to treat us.
I was born with an extraordinary gift. I have no right to selfishly keep it to myself. The more I do, the more I lose it anyway, because it's not about me. It never has been.
I've been really selfish, running...away.
It's time to get back to my writing.
HH the Dalai Lama is giving himself space to unselfishly protect himself right now, and time to take care of his health over the last year or so. So he hasn't been traveling the world, meeting with quantum physicists and other scientists. I had been supporting him by converting their interactions into basic, everyday (Consciousness/secular) language, where it's a lot harder for scientists to escape the reality of super(im)position at the Core.
*One* science throughout, shared by all/Awe.
There are intriguing past videos of HHDL with scientists I could work on.
And then there's what's going on in that world "out there" right now that has nearly everyone isolating themselves.
Interesting, isn't it?! The inversion. Hmmm...
I'll find my place, and what's important, and most relevant.
I have my me back. I'm no longer apologizing. (for now) for trying to protect people, en masse, toward eliciting *change.* My heart was in the right place. Physics, too.
I'll figure it out.
Right now I'm just an observer.
What the heck?
A reflection/*reflection*...
Let's start *with in here".
Several years ago (well, 6), I bought a new home (well, old), with the intent of uniting my long-separated family and maybe renovating it (the mid-century home, that is) and eventually selling it toward retirement. But I'm the one who wound up needing renovation. Essentially, my whole family died, close together, eight loved ones in all, one after another, never getting to reunite or even see the house. It had been years since we'd been together, living across the globe from one another! Decades. Totally depleted (meaning me), renovation was out, too.
Suddenly, there was only me, in a huge house and property I could no longer afford to handle alone, and a horrific hand injury oppressing me further.
My dream was sabotaged, though I still had my writing. But I was focused on helping to redirect society at large, distressed by all the school and other mass shootings and similar, watching the world kinda losing its mind. "Reality" TV, unscripted, was teaching countless millions to emulate selfish, temper tantrum narcissism where impulsive "terrible twos" acting out, competing for camera attention, became the only "authority" millions felt they needed to emulate and justify the same for themselves.
Society has been (d)evolving into everyone performing to an empty (in every analogy) "audience".
So I was trying to make the point that if one's very first immediate impulse is more an "I'll get them before they get me" kind of demonstration, and millions are collectively sharing those feelings of "threat," what was popping out of that were horrific attacks upon one another, en masse.
I was hoping to provide some insight with hope of eliciting *change.* What I got was misinterpreted and sent away.
With so much loss in my life already, the loss of even yet another loved one was too much to bear, so I needed to take a break. Problem is, I lost myself in the process.
Truth isn't truth only when it's comfortable and/or convenient. One science. One world. Shared by all/Awe. Ouch! Sometimes Love is totally there but overlooked.
Whatever the case, the message I was receiving was that I had gone too far and wasn't needed anymore. Convention was fine without the likes of me. Or...was it?
With so much going on over here, I decided to give myself some time for...me.
My physics insights had run into my social life, and I found myself all alone again...naturally. Everywhere. Painful to accept, I needed to get used to being all alone.
Who was I, when I was all alone? It wasn't a nice place to be. I've always had a war going on within myself. Being me, my beautiful superConscious me from childhood, created an unintentional divide. A very lonely, painful distance, where, while everyone else began a race at START, I was already well around the track, and when the race began, I was prolifically speeding farther and faster than my fellow racers could keep/catch up. But there was never any reward. Only loneliness, being me. And I've spent my entire life holding myself back, all the while starving to know where all my naturally prolific me could take me, if only I just "went for it"!
Again and again, the resolution has been...loneliness. Beautiful insight, with quite a price.
Soooo, I disappeared. Okay, okay...went away. And I pouted, and isolated. Pouted some more, isolated some more. And pondered. And I really, really, really missed me!
So I sulked, and isolated. Sulked some more... Isolated *even* more.. You know the drill. Within, without. Toldja I was "prolific." I covered all my bases. Now all my *energy* was trapped! I'm thorough if not consistent.
Then, last fall the universe, in all its *balancing act,* brought a psychologist** into my life, young enough to be my son, wise enough to get on the other side of me and give me a good swift "whack-a-mole" kick into reality. The real reality. My reality! Withinxwithout, I was running away from home! That wasn't the "prolific" I was going for. I was running out of running away space. It was time to stop running. It was time to accept me for me. So what if I'm not loved there. It doesn't mean anything if I don't first love myself.
The distance is always gonna be there. The divide is the only way to follow my own rainbow.
In the Pacific islands, the rainbows go all the way around, full circle. There is no end. Just *process.* The proverbial pot of gold is the nirvana recognition of that reality.
Life is a process, and if I'm not processing me, what on earth am I doing?
We teach people how to treat us, and I was teaching people how to send me away. Again.
"Get rid of the toxins, to make room for the healthy people you need!", my beloved professor admonished me one day. You remember her by now:
"Just who do you think you are?!
"You do NOT have the right to enable people NOT to grow!
"You have a responsibility to elicit *change* in this world!"
Yeah, that one! Omg, I loved her! She was instilling in me the permission I felt I needed to suggest folks *higher*!
Have I been farther and faster around the track because I've been running more and more toward me? Or, away from them? I still struggle from time to time. Miss my beloved professor!
We teach people how to treat us.
I was born with an extraordinary gift. I have no right to selfishly keep it to myself. The more I do, the more I lose it anyway, because it's not about me. It never has been.
I've been really selfish, running...away.
It's time to get back to my writing.
HH the Dalai Lama is giving himself space to unselfishly protect himself right now, and time to take care of his health over the last year or so. So he hasn't been traveling the world, meeting with quantum physicists and other scientists. I had been supporting him by converting their interactions into basic, everyday (Consciousness/secular) language, where it's a lot harder for scientists to escape the reality of super(im)position at the Core.
*One* science throughout, shared by all/Awe.
There are intriguing past videos of HHDL with scientists I could work on.
And then there's what's going on in that world "out there" right now that has nearly everyone isolating themselves.
Interesting, isn't it?! The inversion. Hmmm...
I'll find my place, and what's important, and most relevant.
I have my me back. I'm no longer apologizing. (for now) for trying to protect people, en masse, toward eliciting *change.* My heart was in the right place. Physics, too.
I'll figure it out.
Right now I'm just an observer.
- (Note: Only have my phone right now, so getting this on here, already handwritten, edited, may take a while. Days, weeks... Ugh! Gonna be a work in progress...)
** He's (and speaks) Italian, so we've been having some wonderful, intriguing conversations about my beloved 1967 movie, "The Shoes of the Fisherman," previously discussed here, in which, during the Cold War, the Pope and the Vatican become Conscious/Enlightened/Awakened, and confront the dilemma of what on earth to do next.
